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Archive for May, 2012

I have been dreading and having anxiety about today for a while. I guess I really put it all on myself it is just another day.  Last year on this day at 8:13am my mom left this earthly life to continue her heavenly one.  My heart and spirit have never been the same since that day.  Sometimes that really makes me mad, other days I am grateful that she meant so much to me that her not being her has changed me.  That hole in my heart will not be filled for the rest of my earthly life.  I always thought that as I got older that I didn’t need my  mom as much anymore, not so.  I never realized how much I depended on her love and support, her advice and just being there to listen.   They are the one person who knows us better than anyone else and have loved us before we even arrived on this earth.  In a way although I am surrounded by so many of my loved ones I feel so alone.  Cruelly and suddenly cut off from all that I have known for so long.  I think to myself you are a grown woman with an amazingly loving and supportive husband, and blessed with 3 children of my own. How is it possible to feel that way.  Moms like my mom, the ones who love you completely unconditional, support you and nurture you, help you and guide you and love your children more that they loved you are not supposed to be taken away.  They are always supposed to be there. I still want to pick up the phone to call her…… my heart and mind still some days forget she is gone.  I never imagined her being taken away.  She was supposed to watch my kids get older, and relish in all their accomplishments and support them in their bad times. She was supposed to help Brynleigh pick out prom dresses and eventually her wedding dress.  Be at their high school graduations. She was supposed to be there as our boys would hopefully one day go on a mission.  Be excited with us as one day we ourselves became grandparents.  My heart hurts when I see kids spending their days with their grandma. Loving on them as they get spoiled.  Knowing that my kids have already experienced that in a short time of their life….. and it is gone.

I am a motherless daughter.  I saw that on a blog one day and it made my heart sink. I thought about it for a long time.  I am not the only motherless daughter. Some days I feel that way but so many others have the same experience either by abandonment or by death.  It is a very sad statement.  As I thought about it the more I have thought that although my mom is not here physically, she is here some days I am sure right beside me.  She is here in the kindness of others too. She is here in my Aunt Barbara who walked every step with me last year.. whose heart aches as mine and whose memories of those grueling days are embedded with her forever too. She cares and worries about me and my family just as my mom did.  My mom is in a sweet neighbor who shows up at the door with  holiday treats for my kids just as my mom would. She is in my friends and sisters who lovingly text, drop by or call just on a feeling or thought of me.  She is in the friends that have gone through the same thing and can understand what it feels like to be missing a mom. And she is in me…. all that love, guidance and examples of kindness, encouragement and unselfishness the list goes on and on…. she has left with me.  No one can ever replace my mom nor would I want them too.  But I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father allows others to step into my life to take her place even for a short moment. To do what she would do or say what she would say.   What a comfort that has been to me. I will never stop missing her or yearning  to talk to her, but I sure hope that the heartache will get better.  I never had a time in my life where time seemed to pass by in a flash but at the same time make minutes feel like hours.  The trials we experience here on this earth are designed to make us better, to learn and to grow.  To stretch us spiritually, emotionally and physically.  They are not easy lessons to learn. We are not meant to know the reasons why now but someday we as a family will look back on these last few years with a greater understanding.  Hopefully with a greater love for each other, the gospel and gratitude for the stretching that has been so painful.  We are a blessed family and have so much to be grateful for.  I am loved by a husband who has shown me humility, strength, courage, and faith in a time that has been so trying on his spirit and mind.  How lucky I am to be called his wife and eternal companion.  How proud I am of him, for enduring and continuing to endure when it would be so easy to just give up.  I am so grateful our children have him to look up to as an example of perseverance and determination, despite continuing trials.

There are days where I just want to throw in the towel… run away… find a locked padded room!! None of those things can make our situation better.  It is a choice to get up everyday and say here we go again and try to be positive.  (some days I make the wrong choice) and that is okay.  We are human and it is human nature to throw a temper tantrum every once in a while.  There needs to be a release.  I would love to throw a fit somewhere kicking and screaming in the middle of the grocery store HA if only they would’nt take me to the funny farm.  Life is a roller coaster ride sometimes we get to hang out at the top and enjoy the view and other times we are broke down on the bottom track waiting for the maintenance man to come and rescue us…. and waiting and waiting.  But there are things to see at the bottom too. Things to enjoy although we think we could see much more from the top.  Being so high doesn’t allow us to see the little things (unless you are really looking hard with binoculars) We gain a different view and that is always a good thing.  I am just ready for the cart to start moving again even just a slow roll.

My desire is for daily peace and happiness for my family and myself, sometimes hoping for it hour by hour or minute by minute.  The peace that is only offered to us by our Father in Heaven. It is nothing the world can give us.  May you find peace in your life as well. My mom’s favorite scripture hung on her wall on a picture of Christ painted by Greg Olsen “In his constant care”  John 14:27 Peace I  leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

What a beautiful girl we knew this sweet family for a short time before they moved it is

so crazy how fast kids grow up. Miss Charlie has the most beautiful eyes and is such a

doll. It was great to see her cute mama again. It is great to be 8!!

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