I have been dreading and having anxiety about today for a while. I guess I really put it all on myself it is just another day.  Last year on this day at 8:13am my mom left this earthly life to continue her heavenly one.  My heart and spirit have never been the same since that day.  Sometimes that really makes me mad, other days I am grateful that she meant so much to me that her not being her has changed me.  That hole in my heart will not be filled for the rest of my earthly life.  I always thought that as I got older that I didn’t need my  mom as much anymore, not so.  I never realized how much I depended on her love and support, her advice and just being there to listen.   They are the one person who knows us better than anyone else and have loved us before we even arrived on this earth.  In a way although I am surrounded by so many of my loved ones I feel so alone.  Cruelly and suddenly cut off from all that I have known for so long.  I think to myself you are a grown woman with an amazingly loving and supportive husband, and blessed with 3 children of my own. How is it possible to feel that way.  Moms like my mom, the ones who love you completely unconditional, support you and nurture you, help you and guide you and love your children more that they loved you are not supposed to be taken away.  They are always supposed to be there. I still want to pick up the phone to call her…… my heart and mind still some days forget she is gone.  I never imagined her being taken away.  She was supposed to watch my kids get older, and relish in all their accomplishments and support them in their bad times. She was supposed to help Brynleigh pick out prom dresses and eventually her wedding dress.  Be at their high school graduations. She was supposed to be there as our boys would hopefully one day go on a mission.  Be excited with us as one day we ourselves became grandparents.  My heart hurts when I see kids spending their days with their grandma. Loving on them as they get spoiled.  Knowing that my kids have already experienced that in a short time of their life….. and it is gone.

I am a motherless daughter.  I saw that on a blog one day and it made my heart sink. I thought about it for a long time.  I am not the only motherless daughter. Some days I feel that way but so many others have the same experience either by abandonment or by death.  It is a very sad statement.  As I thought about it the more I have thought that although my mom is not here physically, she is here some days I am sure right beside me.  She is here in the kindness of others too. She is here in my Aunt Barbara who walked every step with me last year.. whose heart aches as mine and whose memories of those grueling days are embedded with her forever too. She cares and worries about me and my family just as my mom did.  My mom is in a sweet neighbor who shows up at the door with  holiday treats for my kids just as my mom would. She is in my friends and sisters who lovingly text, drop by or call just on a feeling or thought of me.  She is in the friends that have gone through the same thing and can understand what it feels like to be missing a mom. And she is in me…. all that love, guidance and examples of kindness, encouragement and unselfishness the list goes on and on…. she has left with me.  No one can ever replace my mom nor would I want them too.  But I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father allows others to step into my life to take her place even for a short moment. To do what she would do or say what she would say.   What a comfort that has been to me. I will never stop missing her or yearning  to talk to her, but I sure hope that the heartache will get better.  I never had a time in my life where time seemed to pass by in a flash but at the same time make minutes feel like hours.  The trials we experience here on this earth are designed to make us better, to learn and to grow.  To stretch us spiritually, emotionally and physically.  They are not easy lessons to learn. We are not meant to know the reasons why now but someday we as a family will look back on these last few years with a greater understanding.  Hopefully with a greater love for each other, the gospel and gratitude for the stretching that has been so painful.  We are a blessed family and have so much to be grateful for.  I am loved by a husband who has shown me humility, strength, courage, and faith in a time that has been so trying on his spirit and mind.  How lucky I am to be called his wife and eternal companion.  How proud I am of him, for enduring and continuing to endure when it would be so easy to just give up.  I am so grateful our children have him to look up to as an example of perseverance and determination, despite continuing trials.

There are days where I just want to throw in the towel… run away… find a locked padded room!! None of those things can make our situation better.  It is a choice to get up everyday and say here we go again and try to be positive.  (some days I make the wrong choice) and that is okay.  We are human and it is human nature to throw a temper tantrum every once in a while.  There needs to be a release.  I would love to throw a fit somewhere kicking and screaming in the middle of the grocery store HA if only they would’nt take me to the funny farm.  Life is a roller coaster ride sometimes we get to hang out at the top and enjoy the view and other times we are broke down on the bottom track waiting for the maintenance man to come and rescue us…. and waiting and waiting.  But there are things to see at the bottom too. Things to enjoy although we think we could see much more from the top.  Being so high doesn’t allow us to see the little things (unless you are really looking hard with binoculars) We gain a different view and that is always a good thing.  I am just ready for the cart to start moving again even just a slow roll.

My desire is for daily peace and happiness for my family and myself, sometimes hoping for it hour by hour or minute by minute.  The peace that is only offered to us by our Father in Heaven. It is nothing the world can give us.  May you find peace in your life as well. My mom’s favorite scripture hung on her wall on a picture of Christ painted by Greg Olsen “In his constant care”  John 14:27 Peace I  leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

What a beautiful girl we knew this sweet family for a short time before they moved it is

so crazy how fast kids grow up. Miss Charlie has the most beautiful eyes and is such a

doll. It was great to see her cute mama again. It is great to be 8!!

McKell had some spring senior pics done last year and decided she wanted to do some more this year since she has changed so much… I really did’nt think so until I looked at hers from last year. She was so beautiful then and was shocked to see how much older she looks still just as beautiful inside and out!! Love ya Mckell so excited for the next chapter in your life!!!

(These are from 2011)

This is Mckell this year so crazy how fast kids grow up!!

I have been lucky enough to be at 2 out of 3 of Emily’s births.  I love my nephews so much and admire Emily, she is such an amazing mom of 3 boys.  I truly love my job.  Nothing like seeing these beautiful babies come into this world to loving families.   Welcome baby Broox!! I normally edit my birth stories in B&W but really liked the color photos this time.  Stay tuned for a mini hospital session and attempting to take brother pictures.

Such a sweet precious baby who has an amazing family! They were so excited to have E in their family.

As I have said in my last post I have decided to change the direction of my photography this year. Follow my passion and my love.  I LOVE babies and I love the experience of witnessing a the true miracle of birth.  What an incredible sacred event it is.  This is whyI have decided to focus on birth photography.  Because of the unpredictible nature of deliveries I will still do newborns and babies on a limited basis and  family sessions twice a year .  I am following my heart and I hope you can help me with my passion. I have thought long and hard about this and it feels right for me. Please let friends and family know that might be interested in documenting your babies first few experiences in life and capture the joy of your growing family.  There will be fun along the way too stayed tuned for some contests and specials coming soon.

Last year I also had the incredible opportunity to photograph sweet Ali’s short time on this earth.  Ali has changed so many things for me, she will always hold a special place inside my heart.  I have know about an organization for several years and was just too scared to volunteer. Ali helped me see the love and comfort this organization can bring.  I am now an affiliate photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  If you are interested in helping, donating or learning more please click HERE  I have been able to meet several angel babies and their families already.   What special children and parents they are and I learn so much each time I meet them.   I am grateful for the ability I have been given and the opportunity to share with others.    There is a huge need in the Salt Lake area for photographers if you have the means to sign up you will not regret it.  My mom had a huge LOVE for babies too, if there ever was a baby around she was holding them. I like to think that as I see their families say thier goodbyes to their little ones, my mom is on the other side giving them a big hug welcoming them home again.  I have been able to feel the love our Heavenly Father has for each one of his precious children.  I am so appreciative of the wonderful friendships I get to have through photography I am excited for this new chapter and am so thankful to all of you who have helped me along the way.  And because I can’t have a post without a picture enjoy this chubby happy guy!!

This is a really long post so sorry. I don’t often post personal stuff on here but felt I really should.

This last year has been quite a year for myself and my family. I have been trying to sit down and write this for a while, the wound is still deep and fresh but I need to.  I am worried I will not be able to adequately express my feelings to honor my mom. This last couple months has been difficult to say the least, but so many blessings and comfort have been given to us. My mom was such a big part of my life and to have that taken away for the rest of my earthly time is hard to understand.  The heartache of missing her is something I have never felt and cannot describe. My mom was truly an amazing beautiful woman inside and out. I am so blessed to have been given to her from above to teach me humility, love, service, sacrifice, patience and so much more. My mom fought a courageous and short battle with ovarian cancer. She was doing so great and just before her 3rd round of chemo she got viral cardiomyopathy and her body could just not fight it off. We spent her last days at home with her peacefully by her side. My aunt and I flew out the day she turned for the worse but by the time we got there she had very short spurts of consciousness. When they admitted her to the hospital she progressively worsened. One of the last conversations I had with her on the phone she asked me to go get her a 10lb bag of potatoes from walmart. lol I said mom what do you need those for and we laughed and thought the drugs were making her silly. She looked so beautiful bald head and all. When I sat by her bed she opened her ice blue eyes, and said “Whats wrong, what’s wrong” I replied nothing… it is all good and she said “you are lying to me!” I must not have a good poker face. That was the only time she talked to me while I was there. She did talk to my brothers, her sister and some friends and even perked right up on the phone and talked to my kids and Brian which was such a wonderful blessing and miracle. Those are days that will forever be engraved in my heart mind and spirit. Days I hope I don’t forget but sometimes don’t want to remember. I am writing all of this because I want to tell you about my mom but also because her passing has made me a different person as well. My mom always sacrificed her needs for others. She quietly served all those around her. Our kids were her pride and joy, she was the most amazing grandma that knew each one of my kids inside and out and they knew it. She has left such a void in our lives a hole in our hearts that cannot be filled. You don’t ever think you will outlive your parents and am so sad we will miss out having her here in all our happy and sad times. We were lucky enough to go visit my mom and dad during spring break last year and fortunately we took some family pictures. Since my mom has been gone pictures have become much more priceless than before. I often have thought of what if I forget what she sounds like, or looks like all the pictures I have can replay a memory in my mind from when they were taken. I wish I had more than I do. I regret not taking any pictures of her the last time I saw her. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, I wish I did she was beautifully radiant. Ross took one picture and this pretty much summed up our last week with her. Ruby Sue would not leave her side, it was rare that one of us was not next to her too. I am sharing this not to be morbid but because it means it happened it was real and we all lived it.

Her hair grew back so much in such a few short days. The morning she went home to our Heavenly Father she smiled a big huge smile. I know she was being greeted by her Dad, brother, uncle cousins and friends. How great will it be to be included in that wonderful reunion. I have felt close to my Heavenly Father all my life, with my moms passing there were days I felt closer than I have ever been and also days where I felt completely alone. My family has been blessed by so many of you who are so kind and thoughtful. I have been brought to my knees in gratitude and humility so many different times. Besides my mom’s death my husband also was effected by a restructure in his company and was laid off in the beginning of 2011. This has brought many up’s, downs, ins, outs and loopidy doos. We never imagined to be in 2012 and still in that situation. It has given us a whole new level of gratitude for everything. Taught us lessons we would never learn other wise. Made us stronger in our faith our marriage and our family. We feel empathy on a level we never have before. We are ready for it to be over but know we can do hard things.

I was also privileged to have the opportunity to witness and document a beautiful sacred miracle, Angel Ali. Ali was diagnosed with tri-somy 18 during Kelli’s pregnancy. I watched in complete awe as this family took this on in an amazing and inspiring way. Kelli, her husband and children cherished each moment they had with Ali in the womb, her time on this earth. Made many memories with her even before she arrived. What an example of hope, love and faith this family is to me. Ali and her family have changed how I view a lot of things in life for the better. I am blessed to have met Ali and felt of her spirit and witness the great love her family has for her.  I watched as Kelli proudly shared her brief moments with Ali with her whole family letting each person hold and love her. It was amazing to see everyone greet her and love her and know that when she went back to heaven in a few short hours the same scene would play out with the same great love.  I really believe my my mom was there to welcome her home again.  There are few times you can have the sacred experience of the thinning of the veil between Heaven and earth I was blessed to have experienced it twice in one year. Ali and my mom and her example of service has brought me to a new chapter in my photography and I am so grateful. I will be updating my site with new changes in the next few weeks.  With the families permission I am sharing Ali’s video with you. May it bring you hope and peace and help you feel the love that our Heavenly Father has for each of us.

Angel Ali from Alicia Kinne on Vimeo.

This guy is such a heart breaker!! I cant believe how fast a year goes, seems like I just did his newborn session. Love this cute family and Mr. K has the most amazing blue eyes. Watch out girls of the world in 12 years!!!

So mega long post and this is still not caught up. Hopefully with the Christmas break I will be able to add some more. I am so grateful to all my clients and how wonderful they are. I meet so many awesome people that become such great friends!! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!!!